She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is classic penis vs brain.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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