Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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