I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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