it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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