Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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