i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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