White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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