I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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