maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
