You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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