Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
