i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
