Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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