1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
