My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
