Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
