So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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