i can't believe i had my finger in that
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
