I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
either way he was missing a nipple.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
did you just send me my own nude
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
