3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
