I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2