My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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