Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
