I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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