Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
