worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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