So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
