just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
