The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
