She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
