Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
