i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
