just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
