i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
