I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
