a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
