I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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