Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
