Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
