so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
