My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
