I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
