dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
