i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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