I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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