You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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