Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
