they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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