woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
