It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
