you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
