I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
