he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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