3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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