I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
