dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
