It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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