My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am one with the molecules
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
