i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
