The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
